Anxiety

Some days I find it nearly impossible to think about the future without crying. The older Bridget gets the more anxiety I feel pulsing through my body. Nonstop questions and scenarios flood my brain regularly. Realizing that she will be in 2nd grade this year (the same grade of students that I teach), also has me at a new low. I know the expectations that I have for my students, and what they are capable of. It’s a challenge to continually remind myself not to compare Bridget to them as she is no where near their level of development. 

In the end, do I care if she is developmentally on target? No. We’ve been down this road for so long now that we have accepted Bridget for who she is and what she IS capable of. It’s just such a drain emotionally to see how far behind she is in this race called life. 

Due to Coronavirus, some of our scheduled appointments have been pushed back. We are finally scheduled to meet with her developmental doctor soon which is always helpful regarding questions about medications or medical needs. But the appointment I am most weary of is her yearly scheduled brain MRI. That’s when it is important to compare her previous scan to her new one to determine what the next year might  have in store for us. Sadly, due to our observations the last few months, I don’t have my hopes up for what the scans will show us. 

People always ask me what it’s like to parent a child like Bridget, and every single time I say, “it’s like a roller coaster” because there’s no other way to explain it. There are beautiful days, rough days, calm days, and days that are almost 48 hours long due to no sleep. I try to stay positive because I know that’s what Bridget needs, but if I’m being honest, I have had a lot more emotional breakdowns lately.

Are we making all of the right decisions for Bridget? Is Luke getting the attention that he needs? How will we be able to handle a brand new baby on top of all of our other daily struggles? How do you keep your marriage strong when dealing with anticipatory grief? I find myself becoming consumed by these questions. 

So although I’m terrified of what the future holds and I’m questioning every move that I make, I want to say that I am grateful to the people that allow us to vent. The people that offer their shoulders to cry on. The people that stand by me although I feel like a horrible excuse for a friend due to my lack of leaving my home...because I know Bridget is most comfortable here. You are all part of the reason that I continue to get up each day and push forward. 

And because I feel like we’ll never be able to say it enough...thank you. For all of the ways you have cared for our family, the good days and the bad.