Loss of direction

 

9 months. 9 delirious, depleting, solace-filled months. There’s this invisible, unbearable, weight on my chest at all times. I never know if I’m a second away from smiling from my thoughts of Bridget, or if I’ll collapse from her ever-present absence. A smell, a song, any small trigger…can reduce me to mush.

I still find myself working to understand and relate to life with Bridget versus life without her. It’s an incomplete puzzle. For some reason I cannot, and won’t ever, be able to wrap my head around the fact that she is just GONE. My baby. My child that I grew, carried, and rocked.  The other half of my heartbeat has now been gone the length of time it took my body to create her. It’s a sick slap in the face. 

To make matters worse, (not even knowing that was possible), I lost my dad this same year as well. It’s unbelievably depressing to know that two of the people nearest and dear to my heart, the people that shaped me into who I am today, are no longer here. How do you push forward? If there ever was rock-bottom….I’ve crashed down to it.

They talk about grief like waves. But what about the individual that has suffered the loss? It feels to me like they are being forced onto an inner tube and pushed out to sea in order to see how they will survive.  Regardless of if there is a spouse or significant other….you are alone. Your grief journey is yours and yours no matter what. No two journeys will be the same. Sure boats might come by now and then to try to assist you…but they aren’t always successful in their attempt. It’s sink, swim, or maybe be swallowed whole by heartbreak.

I think it is important to remind others that grief is a maddening companion. And those characteristics of grief can also shift at a moments notice. Grief can be masked by joy or happiness while the bereaved individual is smiling, attending events half-heartedly, and even while attempting to carry on with mundane daily duties. Grief can be seen in a snap judgement or sudden loss of patience. Grief can be sullen and desolate. Those waves are never silenced. They threaten to wash over you similar to a tsunami.

So if you’re wondering whether the past 9 months has gotten any less miserable…the answer is no. And unfortunately, I don’t see any let up in that department for the foreseeable future.